the constant in my life

i am disappointed with many things at the moment. i think the fact that i've been here for a week but feel as though it's been two is a strong indication of this.


i do not like my job at the television station. today i came in later because they had a meeting. you know armenian timing, obviously they were not done when i got there. i sat down for two and a half hours just going over the french class i am preparing for the WRC, and also read the pre-arrival packet for YSIP. the pre-arrival packet. that's how bored i was. i told them today i would come in less often and they didn't seem to care much. there is nothing for me to do there, ils ne delegueront certainement aucune taches, so the only reason i will stay there is to get an interview with the der hair for the WRC. at least that job is good.


i don't want to get into it, but i'm disappointed a bit in our group. children, is all i have to say for now.


i'm disappointed with the organization of certain things. yesterday we went to Holy See Etchmiadzin. this is like mecca for armenians. i know this is most definitely not the time to use the lord's name in vain but christ... we waited around for so long. after mass we were supposed to go to the museum. well we apparently missed our tour guide so we had to wait another hour in the insane heat (keep in mind, i'm wearing dressy pants and a too-decent top, because we're in church). when we finally get the tour, it's gorgeous but doesn't last long, a half hour tops. on our way out, we stop, but for no apparent reason. a couple of us just decide to go to the bus, because what's the point of simply waiting around for nothing, especially in that heat. i should also mention that i got my period while in church. uncomfortably much? so we decide to go back to the bus. we loudly, clearly say this to others. after waiting in the bus for a half hour i call one of the girls, and they're back in the museum. seeing more. what the fuck. nobody had told us, and more importantly nobody called us to tell us. i feel like everything we do is half-assed. we stand around making decisions for so long, most of the time for an hour. that is why i'm disappointed in the group. the past two days i've found myself making decisions for everyone along with anette because otherwise it's "ooooh i don't know......" and by the time we've decided it's almost not worth it. we have a fucking curfew, you know?? make the most of the goddamn time you have out. and what bothers me even more is that some people are happy that i'm making decisions. i don't like that at all... they shouldn't be happy that someone else is deciding for them.yeah so everything is going to be like this all the time. we were supposed to be home by two, but got home by 4. it disrupts everything.


and finally, i'm disappointed with myself. i suppose i shouldn't be because all of this is absolutely out of my hands and i'm doing the best i can. i don't think i have ever said that and meant it as much as i do now. but it's hard. i cannot stand being with not only 18 people all the time, but the same 18 people. i'm not used to this, i'm used to spending my days alone. and even when i try locking myself up in my room i hear everyone yelling around the house. je n'ai aucun moment de repit.


i'm also feeling a little guilty in terms of what i am feeling towards armenia. i thought i'd feel so much more emotional and understand my heritage a lot more, and instead, i'm just all the more confused. it really makes you question yourself when you don't feel all that emotional in etchmiadzin, and it's the holy grail. i have to admit that when the priest blessed me, i cried, but otherwise... i didn't feel much. and the place is beautiful. everyone knows i am far from religious and don't necessarily even believe in god. but this place represents so much of our history and i couldn't really feel anything, even though the choir singers had the sweetest voices i've ever heard in my entire life. i feel terrible.


the only way i can possibly imagine having a good time for the rest of the time i'm here is steering clear of everyone when we're not doing mandatory activities.


i feel like i am regressing.